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CHAPTER 2

Watch Out for the Eggshells

 
With some people you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. Often they’re very creative, dramatic, or outgoing, and can be very charming and fun to be with. They can be great idea people, enthusiastic salespeople, and dynamic bosses. But they are also very sensitive to potential slights, and they can erupt into tirades or a sullen silence if you say or do the wrong thing to set them off. The experience is like working with a roman candle that has a short fuse. Or you feel like you are walking through a field of eggshells, and breaking one can be especially dangerous if the problem is with a boss, client, or project team leader.

            That’s what happened to Andy, an advertising account manager, when he worked with Cynthia, a VP and product manager for an important client. Things could be going along swimmingly, but suddenly, he would get on Cynthia’s nerves, and she would erupt and let him have it. At first, Andy wasn’t sure exactly what he did to set her off, though he desperately wanted to avoid doing whatever it was, because he was concerned his agency might lose the account or maybe he might get canned himself.

            One time an eruption occurred when he was going over billing with Cynthia, at a time when her company had a long-term outstanding debt to the agency that it was gradually paying off. After Andy described the number of hours on the project that his agency would be billing Cynthia’s company, Cynthia said “Fine.” However, when Andy added: “When?” as in: “When we will get paid?,” his remark led to an angry explosion. At first Cynthia told him reassuringly: “Don’t worry. You’ll get your money.” But moments later, she called him back, telling him angrily: “Do you know how insensitive you were to bring up the subject?”  Andy spent the next few minutes apologizing and explaining how he hadn’t intended to insult her with his question.

            Another time, Andy asked Cynthia if she was sure about some facts she was giving him, since he had heard conflicting information. Suddenly she froze up and glared at him. Andy felt she might explode at him in those few seconds, before she turned away, changed the subject, and continued on as if he hadn’t said anything to upset her. Afterwards, though, Andy felt an icy reserve in Cynthia’s manner toward him at the next few planning meetings he attended with project teams from each company to strategize marketing her product.

            Then, one day when Andy needed some information and Cynthia was out of the office, he called someone else in her company for this information. A few days later, when he was on the phone with Cynthia and mentioned how he had already gotten the data from her associate, Cynthia erupted again, accusing him of going around her rather than waiting to speak to her. Another time when Andy told Cynthia about all the things his agency was doing to help her, thinking she would be very appreciative, she instead got very angry. Accusingly, she retorted: “Are you trying to guilt-trip me?” and he felt his efforts to garner appreciation had only backfired.

            Andy was becoming more and more uncomfortable about working with Cynthia, yet he wasn’t sure what to do, since she was his agency’s client. As a result, the increasingly tense situation dragged on, while Andy feared it could easily blow up at any moment, like a smoldering volcano.

            Unfortunately, Andy’s story is an all too common example of problems in dealing with certain types of supersensitive people. Their emotions are right on the surface, ready to be rubbed raw at the slightest touch that brushes them the wrong way or presses too hard. They are like thin eggshells, ready to break.  

            What should you do if you have to work with this type of individual? One approach is to notice the patterns—what types of questions, comments, or actions set them off? In Cynthia’s case, she was very sensitive around money issues that showed how her own company was struggling. She also reacted defensively to any comment that questioned her authority or knowledge or suggested that she was needy. Why should she be so sensitive? The reason is that these were topics that ate at her sense of self-worth and self-assurance. They made her feel insecure and that set her off.

Once you notice these sensitivity patterns in someone, avoid saying or doing what triggers a defensive reaction. Instead, say or do things to build up the person’s self-esteem, since that’s at the root of the supersensitive response. For instance, instead of seeking Cynthia’s appreciation for what his agency was doing for her and her company, making her feel needy, Andy might find ways to compliment her and her company for their contributions. Likewise, if you are working with someone who is apt to explode at the press of a wrong trigger, look for ways to keep from pushing that trigger. Seek to avoid igniting that spark or search for ways to dampen the powder, so it won’t go off.

Today’s Take-Aways:

• If you feel like you continually have to walk on eggshells around someone, maybe you should be walking away.

• If you have to stay around someone and feel you are walking on eggshells, find ways to handle the eggs—and that person—more gently so the shells don’t break.

• If you find yourself in a box of eggshells—say with a group of supersensitive people—then be light on your feet, so you don’t shake up and shatter the eggs.

•  If you do break the eggs, try making an omelet. In other words, try to find a soft, gentle way to make repairs in the relationship to smooth things over by building up the person’s self-esteem, which may have been shattered like the egg.